18
Mar
08

March 18, 2008

Well, as I thought might be the case, I’m feeling much more my normal self today – in some ways, I look at yesterday’s post, and feel as if I could climb right back under all the depressing feelings and be right back where I was then; but I can also look at each individual feeling more clinically, and say “Empirically, yes it is true that I feel (or have felt) that way, but it’s not how I *normally* feel.”

As someone who has historically been most excellent at stuffing my feelings, and causing lots of problems for myself by doing so, it is tempting to justify my outburst as needing to vent.  And again, that is empirically true – it is a good thing to let the bad feelings out.  Blurting it all out in a public blog is something that was both wildly successful (in the sense that I *do* feel much better today) and appalling to me (I’m normally a pretty self-contained person, and when I do talk to friends or family about my feelings, it is usually after I’ve mulled over them and clarified them to myself (not brooded on them) before I share them).  Brian occasionally gets the brunt of undigested emotions, but for the most part it’s so that he can help me do the mulling and clarifying.

At any rate, the fear and sadness, the frustration and worry, those are all things I feel, but typically they don’t all hit me at one time.  Normally, I may be aware of one or two of those feelings at any given time, but they’re outweighed by my prevailing attitude, which is the more optimistic and positive way I feel most of the time.  Yesterday was one of the times when the feeling that my life has completely changed in a way out of my control (and for a control freak, what could be worse!) was overwhelming.  In reality, my life has and will only change as much as I let it – whether I have my ovaries intact and whether or not I have “real” breasts is a physical change, and I can let it change who I am or not, as I choose.  Most of the time, my choice is to direct the changes towards the positive, letting myself explore my artistic and creative side; being there for friends who have worse problems (stage 4 cancer is pretty damn serious); and enjoying life and people for who and what they are at any given moment.

Obviously, there are days when I don’t have the strength to stand up to that ideal – yesterday was one of them.  Fortunately, they are few.

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